All posts by Melissa

When You’re Fortunate Enough to Visit Your Dream Place

core values

I read the “The Diary of a Young Girl” also known as “The Diary of Anne Frank” when I was fourteen years old. I was forever changed.

It was the summer before my freshman year of high school. I was getting ready to start my fourth school in four years, and I was not happy about it. I hadn’t wanted to move again. I didn’t want to make new friends. I wanted everything to go back to how it had been before. Before the turmoil, before the moves, before the uncertainty.

I’d been through a lot in the three years prior to reading Anne Frank’s recount of her years hiding in the Annex. I won’t go into specifics other than to say that I was a really confused kid. Although I loved my family and persevered a ton, I still spent a lot of time wishing things were different.

When I finished “The Diary of a Young Girl,” I cried. I’m not just talking tears, but huge, violent sobs. I knew that my problems were nothing near to what she and millions of others endured during the Holocaust, but I still connected to those intense feelings of growing up and feeling powerless, of being heard but also being voiceless.

Her words and subsequent capture and death also helped me to realize that although my problems felt huge to me, they were by all accounts miniscule. I did not have to fear tyranny, hatred, prejudice and persecution. On the other hand, her words also validated my feelings of frustration and allowed me to realize that I wasn’t the only one who vented, outwardly or through writing, when irritated.

I was a young teen when I read “The Diary of a Young Girl” and became determined to one day visit the place where Anne Frank spent over two of her final years in hiding. It was then that I became obsessed with any publication written about her and decided if I could meet anyone living or dead, it would be her.

Last month, my dream came true when my husband and I traveled to Amsterdam and I toured the Secret Annex, hidden behind Otto Frank’s business, Opekta. I walked through the bookcase door leading to their hiding place, stood in the bedroom she shared while writing her diary entries, “Dear Kitty…” which she hoped to one day publish as a memoir of the war titled, “The Secret Annex.” I saw replicas of the pictures that hung on her wall, walked through the kitchen the eight in hiding used, still with the original oven and countertops. I stared up the steps leading to the attic beside the place where her first and only love, Peter, slept while in hiding.

I also saw her original diary and other writing she did while in hiding. I cried as I looked down at her perfect handwriting and the evidence of how she wanted her words to be a voice for people who endured unimaginable suffering under the Nazi Regime.

I live a beautiful life and still wish that circumstances would have allowed her to have done the same.

Although my heart feels heavy today with fear for the future of our county, I know that we will persevere. I know that goodness still exists. I see it in both my own children and the children I teach. I continue to pray that those in power with a moral compass will use their voice to guide those who lack one.

I will never have to endure what she did. I will never be the writer that she was. I will always be inspired by her. I will always wish that she’d survived to see her diary make it to publication. I will always hope that she knows how many millions of people her words inspired, starting with me.

Dear Anne…

Thank you 🤍

“I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.” -Anne Frank

When National Gluten Free Day Lasts Forever…and Ever

Celiac disease, gluten free, health, , , ,

I was diagnosed with Celiac disease after the birth of my youngest child and have been gluten-free since. It seems crazy to me that I haven’t willingly eaten gluten in over seventeen years. The day I was diagnosed with this autoimmune disorder knocked the wind out of me, although the plight to actually getting my diagnosis is a very long story for another day. Despite the gut punch that I’d never be able to eat a lot of my favorite foods ever again, the final diagnosis was a huge relief. Although I’d had symptoms of celiac my entire life, the trauma of pregnancy and childbirth finally put me over the edge. I could barely get out of bed much less take care of three young children. So, getting the diagnosis was hard, giving up gluten was difficult but the benefit of living a gluten free lifestyle has been a game changer.

For those wondering, Celiac disease is a chronic autoimmune disorder that occurs in genetically predisposed individuals when they consume gluten, a protein found in wheat, barley, and rye. In people with celiac disease, eating gluten triggers an immune response that damages the lining of the small intestine. The immune system mistakenly attacks the small intestine when gluten is consumed, leading to inflammation and damage to the villi, the tiny finger-like projections that absorb nutrients from food.

Okay, so that’s the official definition. Here’s what I experienced over the years…stomach cramps, bloating, canker sores, migraines, joint pain, numbness in my extremities, miscarriages, depression, anxiety, lethargy, mood swings.

The good news is that when I don’t eat gluten, I’m healthy. The bad news is that I can never have gluten, like, ever again. When I have gluten, even a little bit accidentally it hits me like a freight train- first with lethargy, a really bad mood, stomach cramps, and possibly a migraine and canker sore. I’ve even ended up in the emergency room after eating at a Thai restaurant. What I’d thought was gluten-free became what a physician thought might be appendicitis.

Eating gluten free is not necessary for everyone, but if you have symptoms of Celiac disease, it’s definitely worth looking into. Here’s some of my unprofessional advice if you’re concerned.

  • Consult a medical professional-a physician, naturopath, or nurse practitioner- before beginning a gluten-free diet. Although many people are gluten-intolerant, the only way to accurately be diagnosed for celiac disease is to have a blood test and endoscopic biopsy. In order for these tests to be conclusive, you must have recently eaten gluten.
  • If you are gluten intolerant and eating the protein found in wheat, barley, rye, and oats bothers you, don’t eat it. If you are diagnosed with celiac, don’t eat it ever again. It’s estimated that 1/8 of a teaspoon of gluten can cause damage to the villi of the small intestine for those with celiac disease. This can lead to malnutrition, osteoporosis, cancers, and an increased risk of developing other autoimmune disorders.
  • Throw out the old toaster. Stat. In fact, don’t share a toaster with any family members who use it to eat bread containing gluten.
  • Check ingredients and avoid products that could potentially be contaminated. This means don’t eat anything containing wheat, barley, rye, and oats (although oats manufactured in a gluten-free facility are likely okay). Also beware of products that are gluten-free but are manufactured on the same equipment as gluten as they can be cross contaminated.
  • Avoid malt as it’s made from barley. This means no malted shakes or certain fancy chocolates.
  • Only use gluten-free labeled seasoning salts, soups, and broths. Johnny’s and Lawry’s contain gluten.
  • Soy sauce and teriyaki sauce contain gluten. There are gluten-free varieties sold at stores such as Fred Meyer.
  • If you are religious, Communion wafers are made with wheat. Some churches offer a gluten-free communion option. For those who are Catholic as I am, however, the host must be made of wheat. The Benedictine Sisters of Perpetual Adoration have manufactured a host that is of minimal wheat, which many parishes will serve if ordered. As it does contain minimal wheat, some celiacs still cannot tolerate it. Speak with your medical professional and pastor or priest. As for myself, I accept the wine but abstain from the host as it is still in accordance with the guidelines of my religious beliefs.
  • If eating out, choose places that offer a gluten-free menu. Always make sure to alert your server that you are ordering gluten-free because of an allergy. Side note, celiac disease is not an allergy to gluten, it’s an autoimmune disorder. However, unless you want to explain what the disease is and draw more attention to the fact that if you eat gluten , you will be sick for possibly days, just say it’s an allergy.
  • Check medication labels and ensure prescriptions are gluten-free. This includes visiting the dentist. Even though it’s written in my file, I always remind my hygienist that I need gluten-free polish and fluoride.
  • Use hair, skin, and make-up products that are gluten-free.
  • Research before you eat out and travel for gluten-free options. So many places offer gluten-free options, even internationally.

Happy National Gluten Free Day! Grab a package of gluten-free Oreos and enjoy the heck out of them!

When “Love Actually” is Really All You Need

core values, holidays, teaching, , , , ,

To say life has been overwhelming as of late is a huge understatement.

Being an elementary school teacher is really busy at this time of year. There are parent teacher conferences to schedule, prep for, and implement. Report cards are due. And then there’s the big task…managing holiday excitement while also ensuring student learning.

My husband’s advice for the holiday craze? “You should turn on a movie!” Although my students would love it, that is not happening.

I do understand their excitement, however. There’s something about the promise of the holidays that brings me back to the anticipation I felt as a kid. I loved the lights, the presents, the stockings, the baking…all of it. In the short time I agreed to take piano lessons when I was little, I learned exactly three songs, all Christmas carols. I helped wrap presents, wrote letters to Santa and counted down the days until I could watch the claymation Christmas movies. Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town was my favorite.

Sadly though, as an adult I find it’s a bit more difficult to get into the Christmas spirit when the to-do list seems to stretch on…and on…and on…

The week before Thanksgiving, I had 29 conferences. That was a record for me. I was completely wiped out the day I walked out of school for the long weekend. On the plus side though, I had 100% attendance in conferences and a lot of really great conversations. Another positive is that when you teach at a school for several years, you occasionally get to teach multiple children in a family, so these conferences are also fun because you’re sharing information about your current student, while also learning what their older siblings, your former students, are up to.

Despite the amazing conversations, I was completely emotional, overwhelmed and exhausted as I left the school parking lot. I drove home, took the dogs for a walk, locked myself in my bedroom and turned on one of my 5-star Christmas movies, Love Actually. Within 20 minutes, I was no longer on the verge of an emotional breakdown.

That’s the thing about Christmas movies, I’ve found. It’s the reason the Hallmark Channel produces movie after movie, with a very similar plot line I might add, of holiday magic. The lights, the decorations, the character who gives up the dream job to return to their hometown and rediscovers the magic they’d long forgotten. It’s the reason why I watch the same beloved Christmas movies year after year. They remind me that the to-do list will never end, but the holiday magic is all around, if I slow down enough to embrace it.

Just a few of my holiday favorites:

A Christmas Story, It’s a Wonderful Life, National Lampoons Christmas Vacation, Elf, Christmas with the Kranks, Miracle on 34th Street, The Holiday, Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town, Frosty the Snowman, How the Grinch Stole Christmas (original cartoon), A Charlie Brown Christmas, Holiday in Handcuffs, The 12 Dates of Christmas, Almost Christmas, The Family Man, The Family Stone, Christmas Under Wraps, Christmas Next Door , and Love Actually.

Favorite Christmas Book:

The Polar Express

When Life Gives You Lemons, You’re Hanging by a Thread, or Some Other Prolific Idiom

uncomfortable truths, ,

I can think of a few more idioms to describe my current state of mind. I’m caught between a rock and hard place, grasping at straws and it’s like dire straits all up in here. Life is busy. Conference week is here, the holidays are coming up, I’m giving feedback on informational essays, and teaching 4th graders division. That, my friends, is the tip of the iceberg.

But I digress… There’s an uncomfortable truth that I don’t often share and don’t talk about. It’s an emotion I’ve battled for years. My entire life, if I’m being completely honest. Although I didn’t have a name for it when I was a kid. Now I recognize it as fact and a regular part of my life.

Anxiety.

I don’t recall when it first started, but it’s been a recurring theme in my life. There are the elementary school memories. Like the time I slammed my finger in the car door and the panic that ensued wasn’t that I had to open the door to remove my finger, or the fact that the nail was already broken in two pieces. The panic I felt in that moment was that if I left my younger sister in the car to go get help, she would be kidnapped. Then there was the time that I was sitting in school, and I heard a fire engine. Within seconds, my chest was pounding, and I was in tears because I just knew that my house burnt down.

The anxiety didn’t lessen as I got older, but I got really good at hiding it. I was just nervous about the test; I’d feel better after a good night’s sleep because everything looks better in the morning. It was when I married and became a mother it became harder to hide and, at times, felt debilitating. I was good at keeping it from my kids, even though on the inside I was literally freaking out. I think my breaking point was the first time my husband was deployed to the Middle East. I had a two and a four-year old. I fought my panic by avoiding the news, running, moving to stay with family while he was overseas, anything I could do to stay afloat when consumed by the visions of officers arriving at my door to inform me that he wasn’t coming home.

Mind over matter wasn’t enough.

The doctor put me on medication. My symptoms lessened and I no longer ached all over and sat in the dark, taking deep breaths and feeling like a complete and total failure- to my kids and my husband. It’s really difficult to admit that you truly can’t handle it all.

Today, I am not on medication for my anxiety, but I’m also not under the assumption that I will not need it ever again. I still struggle to let things go and to not worry about things that I cannot control. I still fear for the safety of my loved ones. I still question my decisions and have to remind myself that social media is a beast in itself, and that by allowing the hate and opinions of others to take root in my mind, I will never feel completely free.

I have to exercise. Living with celiac disease, I have to manage my diet. I have to take Vitamin D every single day. I have to take deep breaths in times of stress. I have to allow myself to cry. I have to sneak away during gatherings to have a few quiet moments to myself. I have to give myself grace in knowing that I will never have all of the answers. I have to recognize that if the moment comes when I am once again sitting in my dark, bedroom closet struggling to pick myself up that it’s time to visit my doctor.

Anxiety is real. It’s painful and overwhelming. There’s also shame behind admitting to suffering from it. I hope that by sharing my truth, I am opening the door for someone to seek help. By talking about it, I hope I’m allowing someone else to find the support they need and to know that they’re not alone.

It’s a vicious cycle. Just one last idiom to leave you with. See what I did there?

When You’ve Been a Military Wife for 28 Years and Are Finally Getting the Hang of It

military

Happy Veteran’s Day to my husband and all who’ve served! You deserve all of the gratitude and free food offered to you this weekend. Being in the military is a huge commitment, and not one that most people would sign up for even for a few years. You are forced to do physical training, are away from your family for long periods of time, have to adjust to returning to the routines of your family after deployments, and wear the same outfits day in and day out. And then there’s the putting yourself in harm’s way to protect the people who may or may not appreciate you. It’s a tough job, and my husband has done it for almost three decades.

Then there’s me. The “lovely wife” as I’ve seen lifelong military spouses referenced as. I’m not sure I’m deserving of that title as being lovely is not a characteristic that would have described me during the newlywed years when I was complaining about him being gone…or when our kids were young and I was juggling what seemed like a cascade of tasks and emotions alone…or when at the start of a deployment the furnace decided it was the perfect time to stop working…and the roof began to leak during a torrential rain season just to prove that I am stronger than that I seem Winnie the Pooh quote.

No, lovely is not an adjective that described me. Frazzled, exhausted, and stressed to the point of combustion would have summed me up.

What I do understand is sacrifice, and that term is a solid description of our years of active-duty service with the National Guard. When we started this journey, I envisioned stateside disaster relief and limited training. Boy was I wrong. I’ve lost count of the number of places he’s served and traveled to. I’ve also gotten really good at adapting to it all. I no longer complain. I no longer take for granted the moments when we are able to work as a team raising our kids. I no longer question the big picture and instead see our part in it.

If you’d asked me thirty years ago if this was the life I’d envisioned, I would have said no. If you ask me today if I regret a second of it. My answer remains no. How can you regret a life built around service and sacrifice?

Will I ever be able to live up to the title “the lovely wife?” I’m not sure. I guess you’ll have to ask the Colonel currently watching RedZone football that question.

When You’re Trying to Make Sense of It All

core values

Despite the timing of this post, this is not a political blog. I won’t cast blame or call anyone in office out by name. I won’t speculate on the campaign, and I won’t share cable news clips or post information on domestic or foreign policy. Those are subject which I follow, but not which I am anything close to an expert on. I won’t talk about blue states or red states, or any states in between.

What I will admit is that like many Americans, I’m scared. I remain troubled by events that have scarred our nation and democracy. I acknowledge the frustration of many Americans, and I too have been affected by inflation and the cost of living. However, I also fear for marginalized group, including the LGBTQ community and immigrants.

The truth is that a person’s true character means a great deal to me. I don’t like bullies, nor do I like those who fuel hate and resort to name calling to prove a point or create a target. That’s my truth. I value empathy and honesty. If those character traits are not present on a daily basis, I’m wary.

Some might view that perspective as a fault. Others might view it as a gift. At the end of the day, it’s part of my character. A part of me that was solidified long before yesterday’s problems bled into today solutions or lack thereof.

I will say that I also believe in being respectful to others, including those who I don’t necessarily trust or even like. I will never fly a flag of hate geared at another person or group of people. I will never resort to name calling, whether I believe in someone or not.

I want this to be a safe space. I want this to be a place where I can put my anxious thoughts on paper, rather than allowing them to control my emotions. I want to turn my fear into something better…something more powerful than hate. I want to empower others to show compassion and acts of service.

I will always have a worldview. I will always strive to be a better person.

That is my bottom line.

And the only way I know how to make sense of the world as it is right now.